Crash

I guess it all began with the way I was raised. All my life my paretns told me what, how, and when to do things. My job was to bey without questin. It was "Do your hommework, practice your cello, do your chores, go to bed." Consequently, that was how I behaved, even in school. I was shy because no one told me I could talk. They left me to grow with my training wheels.
Ever since sophomore year started, it's been, "What college will you go to?" or "what do you want to major in?" and "What colleges will you visit?" etc. All these choices were plastered onto my face and I couldn't breathe. I still can't. I'm the person who can't say yes. It's always a maybe, or I-don't-know-what-do-you-think? For years I could never and still can't make a decision by myself without doubting it. The thing is: if you tell me to do it, it will get done. My training wheels were ripped from me at the beginning of high school and to this day I can barely crawl. I'm so lost and the world won't wait for me.
As you know, I'm applying for a special boarding school for math and science. If told to, I would attend without a doubt. Thing is, my parents tell me it's "my choice." For days I wondered, "Is it right to leave behind my friends, home, music, and now robotics team?" It took me two years to get comfortable in school again when we first moved here, and I don't see this as any different. Problem is, I'll be out of the school in two years this time.
Today, I was asking my dad whether we were moving for sure or not. He kept asking me why it mattered. I told him if we were moving for sure, I would go to the boarding school wihout a doubt. If we weren't moving, it'd be a maybe. I'm not so willing to give up my life here. My dad doesn't get what I'm feeling. He hears every word, then brushes it off and repeats his point. He told me I wasn't getting better in strings; I was getting worse for my level. I hate talking with my parents about life. Hell, it's awkward to talk about my period to my mom. My dad also said that leaving robotics wouldn't be bad because the boarding school will be much more advanced in that. See, it's not JUST that. Yes, I don't want to leave the programs, but it's also the people. I've had a war in my mind fighting over what to do. He said I was all talk. I set high goals but nothing happens. I couldn't stand listening to this again so I left and sat in my room. That's when he said it. He said, "My children are smart, but watch, they'll be disappointments."
Parents use reverse psychology often to motivate their kids, but honestly, it doesn't work for me and my brothers. As soon as my dad said that, I felt my eyes heat up. I grabbed clothes and ran into my bathroom and locked the door. I turned on the shower to block out my sobs. I was a disappointment. I was all talk. I am an ass-kissing loser who raises the bar to the point I can't reach it and just leave. I am a joke.
I cried until the frustration turned into anger and my heart ceased to bleed. He had cut me inside. It's alright. THis wasn't the only time I had let him down.

Just another scar. The truth always hurts.

~Wingedhamham~

Song of the moment: "Perfect" by Simple Plan
Listen to it. Understand it. Understand me.

p.s. Please don't leave "pity party" comments. This post was a channel for my sorrow, not an invitation for sorrys.