Lost

It's been strange today. It began as soon as I woke up. It wasn't the day that had a problem, it was me. I don't know what it is. I'm all shrugs.
I felt hollow today. Like someone had come at night and taken my heart from me. I can't explain it. I feel like I can't ... well, I don't really understand it at all. I somehow reasoned that there was no need for me to talk. I remained quiet for the whole day. I still smiled when my friends tried cheering me up, but it felt really strange. It was as if I was smiling only because of that joke. I wasn't happy. I wasn't anything. I was nothing inside. It has had me confused. I tried getting rid of it through anger, or something, but none of them work. None of them come out. I felt like I was just drifting. What was the purpose of joy? Did I really need it? I felt like I was lost in infinite thought over nothing. Nothing. Emptiness.
I hadn't noticed it before until I was walking home, how OCD I was being today. Usually, I'm not so bad, but it was horrific today. I began realizing how much I had been 'balancing' myself (as I call it). I have this system of equilibrium for my right and left. My right is usually dominant and claims the most territory. However, when I walk, spaces on the sidewalk are left as territory, but the cracks are special. They have extra significance and cannot be easily reversed. I stepped on a crack with my right, so I tried to do so with my left. I did. It didn't balance out. My right still felt over-dominating. That was odd. The whole time I walked home I was struggling to equal out my feet but I couldn't. If you saw me walking, I would have looked like I had broken legs. I tried crying because I had no idea what was going on, but I couldn't. How could I? I didn't have tears.
Maybe I just need something to do. Maybe. I've had a symphony in my head today. I've listened to the music over and over again. It has been the only hint of joy in my day, besides the return of the shadow of my bus that I was staring at. I have friends of course who were concerned, but I felt like I had no one. I sat there, with my music, and I still felt empty. I don't know why this is happening, or what caused it. I feel lost in myself. There's nothing to hold on to. Have you ever been so confused that you can't do anything? That your mind goes numb?
I feel like I've been searching for an answer and letting it pass at the same time. I filled my worriesome moments with work. I feel I did well in school today. At least this blank emotion hasn't affected my grades.

~Wingedhamham~

Maybe I'm tired or something. I hope so, if hoping helps.